A man in a somewhat silly looking rhino outfit, complete with horn on his head, lay sprawled on the ground in the middle of the street, unable to free himself, hogtied. A small trickle of blood ran from his mouth, his eyes slightly glazed over. Stunned and looking around, stone amazed at his predicament and the pain he was in, he let out yell that echoed off of the hills and the surrounding shops.
A crowd of people had gathered in a wide circle around the general area but stayed back a distance, not knowing what to do with the situation. The only one who came close enough to him was the one who had beaten him and tied him up. A tall muscular looking man wore a resplendent red and blue outfit that covered him from head to toe, a giant onesie with black lines in the shape of a spiders web.
“You’re an asshole, you realize that, web boy? Dafuq’d you hit me with?”
“Jealoussh caussh you can’t win a fight againssht me?”
“I’m not the one wearing the latest in onesie fashion out in public. I’m one to talk in this get-up, but I am just an ordinary man, you realize that, right? I ain’t crazy like you are.”
“Ssho what, horn head? I kicked your asssh, and sshtopped whatever criminal activity you were clearly taking part in.”
A few people who had been in the wide circle moved in closer to listen, and also to get through, as it was lunch time and they had things to do.
“So it’s criminal to do my shit paying job? It’s illegal to wear a rhino outfit in public a block from a zoo and try to get tourists to take your picture? What law is that? Can you tell me what I did wrong? Can you tell me how that is criminal?” His head spun
The man in the spidery outfit looked around nervously and said “There’ssh been a man dressshed up as a rhino robbing banks.”
“Sounds like fiction from a drunk guy who read too many comic books to me. Nice slurring, drunky. And what the hell did you hit me with? I ask only because when the cops show up I want to be able to tell them so they can arrest you and get your crazy ass off of the streets.”
The man in the web covered outfit looked at his right hand, and a worried look crossed his face under the onesie mask, and he wondered for a second whether he should just run like hell or not. Then he thought No, I’m the friendly neighborhood superhero here. I don’t run, I make crime run. This guy is a criminal.
:”You’re a criminal and you are a menacesh. I did the right thing.” It sounded less like a statement of fact and more like a man trying to convince himself that he did the right thing. A few people moved in closer and one said to the man in the rhino outfit “You ok, buddy? You want a hand?”
“No need to thank me shcitizshen! For I am your friendly neigh…”
“Friendly? I saw you take this guy here and flatten him with a two by four and then hogtie him. We thought it was a Spider-man show and stopped to watch. But listening we realized it wasn’t. I’m calling a cop buddy, andI ain’t the only one? You need an ambulance?”
The man in the Rhino outfit said “Any help would be appreciated. And by the way, my name is Alex.” The man nodded and reached for his cell phone, but the man in the spider web costume approached him and began to speak “Don’t letsh him trickss you, citischzen.” He was slurring his words and walked with a gait that suggested he was having difficulties of some type.
A siren sounded a few blocks away. After a few seconds it was clear that it was coming towards them. The man who was on the phone backed away from the oddly dressed spider web pattern covered man and walked down the street as he dialed the police on his cell phone. Alex said “They’re coming for you, web head! You can’t do that to people here! You’re going down!” He said this with a large measure of joy in his heart, though the pain running through him was still significant, and he could not quite tell what was wrong with him.
“Sshonofabitch! I gottsha gets outta heressh!” Said the bad, seemingly drunk spider man impersonator, and he began to run. Two of the other men who were there saw him try to get away and tackled him as he tried to get away after only a few steps.
“No you don’t!'” One of them yelled as he tackled the man. The mask came off in the struggle after he was taken down and glazed eyes and a dirty scruffy face that looked nothing short of deranged stared back at the two men who were on top of him. He barked “Gets off of me! Don’t you know who I am?”
“Ya!” The spindly red headed man in the blue suit said “You’re the idiot who’s going to jail for jumping this guy and hitting him with lumber, asshole!”
The whole thing would have been heard by the spider man wannabe, but the police car showed up at that moment with sirens blaring. The man in the bad spider man get-up tried to get away from the two men with a frenzied panicked struggle, but it was no use.
The cops said “What’s going on? What are you two…” But never got to finish as an older woman who had been standing on the periphery of the entire thing walked up to the officer and said “That guy in the long underwear beat that guy up with a two by four, and the two men on top stopped him from getting away! They should get a medal!”
Nodding their thanks, The two police officers stepped past the old woman and tapped the men on the shoulders and said “We’ll take it from here, fellas. Thanks.” The shorter officer, broad shouldered and square jawed, knelt on the assailants neck as the other two men got up and off of the man. The name plate on the officers barrel chest read Johnston. Sporadic applause broke out for the two men as they got off of the costumed man..
“I got the wacko over here. You cuff him, Les.”
“Got it…Check this out. He’s got rope and…a few knives and a blackjack in this thing on his back. What are you some kinda terrorist?”
“No! I’m schpider-man!”
“Well, wall-crawler, you’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent…”
The drunk in the spider man costume began to cry. Johnston said “Spidey don’t cry, son. Man up.” Then he laughed and looked at said “Stupid kids. I’ll start re-reading him his rights. Don’t want spider nut getting away on a technicality, Les.” Les nodded.
Johnston began to re-read his Miranda rights while his partner whistled the 1960’s spider man theme with a smile on his face.